Success Maybe?

Not that I expect anyone to still be reading (given my fairly willful neglect of this space), but if anyone is there, I’d like to reassure you that I have not given up on the idea of discovering success this year. I’ve just sort of pulled back with the whole process for a bit. I guess I’m stupidly keeping it under my hat - thus defeating the whole point of blogging my way to enlightenment. But you can only make so many grand, sweeping statments with no follow-through before folks start to wonder if you’re cracking up a bit.

Then of course, there’s my never-ending stream of consciousness chatter about life and passion and meaning and work…which hasn’t evidenced a lot of resolution. I’m at a real crossroads with my career path right now. You’d think someone who spent so much time thinking and talking about the topic would have a more clear plan of attack. But I’m waffling big-time.

I know that I’m a lucky gal to have a few special folks in my life who will let me bend their ear with my plots and plans (there will be trophies and gift bags at the door for Grant, Jason and Mum). And I can’t complain too bitterly of my existential angst, because I know those conversations are edging me closer to deciding on to something. Especially the times when each of them look at me and say “for God’s sakes, woman, just pick something and do it.” In a loving way, of course.

At this point, it feels like nothing more glamourous than plain ol’ unadulterated fear that holding me back. Which probably doesn’t make me much different from anyone else who has a dream but is afraid to take the next step.

Sometimes being a mushy, vulnerable human being can be a real pain in the ass.

I need to channel my inner Trump. Ok, no - wait. Not Trump. Someone who actually inspires me - my inner Dolly! That’s it. The wonderful Miz Dolly Parton who just pretty much should rule the world, in my opinion. What would Dolly do if she was faced with a big, scary life choice? Well, given the evidence in front of us, we can probably safely assume she would go get some plastic surgery, which I guess worked out pretty well for her, but isn’t on my agenda.

But I bet the next thing she would do is just think “oh, hell! why not?” and then jump in with both of her nifty little, stilleto-clad feet. At the age of ____(? who knows ?) Dolly runs a recording label and a theme park, in addition to being one of the world’s most recognized and celebrated singers. From everything I’ve ever been able to glean on Dolly’s life, she seems like an awfully kind, funny lady, who just lives, lets live and is getting a hell of a lot of joy out of her time here on Earth. Not to mention wearing a lot of rhinestones. Bless her. She’s pure fabulosity.

Dolly would say “I’ve got little feet because nothing grows in the shade.” Well, actually, she did say that, and it’s made me laugh for about 5 minutes. But she also said ““You’ll never do a whole lot unless you’re brave enough to try.”

The more time I spend trying to figure out what’s going to make me feel successful - the more I think Dolly is on to something. I don’t know anymore that success is about any one thing - one action or one moment or one job. I’m starting to think it’s about having the courage to stick your neck out and take risks that edge you closer to finding out who you are. When I reflect on my life to date, it’s the unpredictable moments that stand alone. The times that I couldn’t possibly see through, that turned out well. Not to mention the ones that didn’t.

But every time I thought I couldn’t and then I did - it was unforgettable. And the times I didn’t pull it off - well, those were memorable too, and probably worth examining for some life lesson material.

So is the secret to success just trying to be successful? Is it the thrill of the chase and the sideshows along the way? I’m not really sure, but I think I like that idea the most of all, so far.

I needed to break my neglected blog streak with something simple - I was inspired to action by this little quiz of Jason’s. It covers all the bases better than I could in a single post. It’s long, but hell, it takes awhile to write about a whole year!

Happy New Year to all of you! I hope 2008 brings much happiness, health, laughter…and yes, success.

1) Where did you begin 2007?
In my parent’s living room in China - watching fireworks from their beautiful apartment on the 11th floor (a good vantage point). I had a massive, excruciating ear infection and spent the evening with a hot compress on my head, drinking tea, eating Indian takeout and taking ibuprofen every 2 hours. It was memorable, if not unduly painful.

2) What was your status by Valentine’s Day?
Newlywed - we were about to celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary [March 5].

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
I worked at UVic until May - does that count?

4) How did you earn your money?
The usual ways - hustling pool games, card sharking, rum-running…It was a strange year for money-making.

In real life, I worked as the co-ordinator at a sexual assault centre until May, then took a new job as an HR/Payroll Administrator. I miss my daily dose of feminist discourse with Robin and Sinan - but my new role is much less stressful in some pretty key ways. Plus, I work one cubicle away from Jason, which is entertaining like you wouldn’t believe.

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
No, thank god.

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
I called the police a couple of times, but never on myself.

7) Where did you go on holidays?
China, Salt Spring Island (x 3), Galiano Island, Vancouver, the Okanagan.

8 ) What did you purchase that was over $1000?
Um, a house. That was at LEAST $2000. A new car. Some gifties and some trips.

9) Have you kissed anyone this year?
I kiss Grant with a great deal of regularity. I like to kiss him.

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Not this year, luckily.

12) Did you move anywhere?
Just within the city.

14) What concerts/shows/sporting events did you go to?
Meat Loaf with Robin (!!!), Rufus Wainwright with Grant, I saw my first opera - Daphne - with Dave, the FIFA world cup soccer…it was a diverse year!

15) Are you registered to vote?
Yes, I am, but they seem to misplace my voting info every time I go, so I always have to re-register.

16) What was the biggest change in your life?
Just one? Well, I really did some healing after a long bout with depression. I feel much better about life in general these days. Got active. Adopted a dog. Became a Big Sister. Started trying to figure out what my next steps will be.

17) Where do you live now?
In a cute character house with my darling and our pets. Our home is full of quirks, that can only be encountered in character homes. Nothing is standard or easily replaced at Home Depot. We had to move our couch in through the living room window, since the front door is too small. All our doorknobs rattle. But it has beautiful oak flooring, coved ceilings and a fireplace. We have a bit of a love/ hate thing going on at times.

18) Describe your birthday?
It was pretty mellow. We had a sangria and BBQ party on the patio at our place. We managed to use up a liberal amount of wine that had accumulated, and I got to wear a tiara with lights on it, so I’d say it was a good time. Grant hung up these cute little paper lanterns on the deck that I just loved. That birthday led into a year of major reflection, since I turned 29. Knowing that this is my last year of being “in my twenties” has been great for introspection. I’m learning a lot.

19) Apparently 2007 was the year without a question 19.

20) What has been your favorite moment?
Oh my god, I don’t think I could pick just one. There’ve been so many! Cousinfest 2007 was amazing - it was so great to be together with my family again (that needs to become an annual event, I think). Finishing my work with Michele was bittersweet, but confidence-building. Many, many small moments with Grant, when I just looked over at him and thought “I love him so much.” Running my first solo 8K race. Sailing through the Gulf Islands. Sitting on the couch, drinking wine and laughing with friends and loved ones. Lying on the bed at the Galiano Inn, reading a great book and looking out at the ocean.

It has been a really blessed year.

21) What’s something you learned about yourself?
That I’m stronger than I thought. That the answers are within. That I am capable on my own.

22) Any new additions to your family?
Yes! Charlie, the rescue mutt. My precious 98lb baby.

23.) What was your best month?
I liked all of them.

24.) What music will you remember 2007 by?
Rufus Wainwright ‘Release the Stars’, Amy Winehouse (she was pretty ubiquitous), Rihanna ‘Umbrella’

25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Well, Jason and I frequently try to change the world/ our lives over massive brainstorming sessions and martinis. Those are special to me.

26) Made new friends?
I think Becca and I have been lucky to become such dear friends this year. She is a wonderful lady.

27) New best friend?
No need for that kind of shenanigans! I am blessed in the best friend department.

28) Favorite Night out?
Our random night of Thai food and Richard’s on Richard’s with Hapy was pretty awesome. Also, Jason & Lola’s Grrl’s Night Out. I’m still tired from that one.

29) What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
Submitted an essay to a writing contest. Made a really delicious pot roast (I’d always shied away from cooking big meat like that!). Practiced being assertive. Re-did my kitchen floor.

30) Did you keep your New Years Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Yes I did, and yes I will! I like resolutions.

31) Did anyone close to you give birth?
There are babies abound these days! Lots of friends, as well as co-workers. I am very excited to meet Jim and Sara’s little one (who is on the way this spring…)

32) What countries did you visit?
China.

33) What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
A clear sense of direction around my career. Another half-marathon under my belt.

34) What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 23rd was Grant and my 4-year dating anniversary. It is really cool to think that we have been together for that long - growing together, accomplishing all sort of things, sticking out the rough parts and celebrating the wonderful times. I love my man.

35) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Learning how to set boundaries and communicate fearlessly (or strive for that, anyways!)

36) What was your biggest failure?

Hmm…I’ve learned something even from the things I’ve screwed up. So no failures to speak of. Although, I did sew both sides of a shirt together when I was trying to put a button on the other day. That was annoying.

37) Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes, but I guess it’s hard not to! My left ear has been a real pain in the ass this year. Lots of inner ear infections and dizzy weirdness and general hurting. I’ve been threatening it with the ol’ Van Gogh treatment if it doesn’t smarten up.

38) What was the best thing you bought?

Well, at risk of sounding consumerist (’cos I suppose I should say “nothing material matters”), I have really enjoyed our new car every second since we got it. It’s like heaven, driving that thing. Any money we spent on holidays was well-enjoyed. Surprising people I love with presents is always fun and special.

39) Whose behavior merited celebration?
My parents have demonstrated amazing grace under pressure this year, as they transition back to Canada. This hasn’t been an easy time for them, but they are working together as a team, keeping their spirits up and just generally being wonderful. I also think that Jason and Steve’s engagement merits a whole whack of celebration - a landmark happy day for all of us!

40) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Oh god. Pass.

41) Where did most of your money go?
Shoes.

Just kidding. I think we are guilty of overspending on restaurants. Grant & I love just chilling out at the end of the day over a nice glass of wine and a meal someone else cooked. I shudder to think how much money we regularly spend on dining out.

42) What did you get really, really, really excited about?
EVERYTHING! Steve says that “I’m so excited!” is basically my calling card. But it is - I get excited about 4x a week. I was excited to put up the Christmas lights/ to take a road trip/ to go on a wine tour/ to eat Brie/ to see dolphins swimming next to us while we were sailing…life is exciting, there’s no doubt about that.

43) Compared to this time last year, are you:

a. More happy or more sad? Happier - a little stressed, but generally happy.

b. Thinner or fatter? Thinner.

c. Richer or poorer? Richer.

44) What do you wish you’d done more of?

Gardening (it needs it). Staying in touch more regularly with friends. Writing letters instead of emails. Folding my laundry as soon as it’s done, instead of letting it get wrinkly in the dryer. Watched more really good movies. Made time for myself.

45) What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying. Good Lord, the pointless worrying will be the end of me.

46) How will you be spending Christmas?
In a haze of gin. Just kidding. Christmas is over. It was manic, but fun. I think I want to go to Mexico next year.

47) What was the most embarrassing thing that happened to you in 2007?

I blush really easily, but I don’t think I get embarrassed that much. 2007 was blessedly not too humiliating, I guess, as nothing springs to mind.

48) Did you fall in love in 2007?
I fall in love with Grant all the time.

49) How many one-night stands?
None, thank you.

50) What was your favorite TV program?

Gordon Ramsey’s ‘Kitchen Nightmares’

51) Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is a strong word. But I am not impressed with some people, yes.

52) What was the best book you read?
The Julie/ Julia Project. God, I love that book! I’ve read it over and over, and it cracks me up every time.

53) What was your greatest musical discovery?
Robin introduced me to Pop Levi, who is pretty spiffy and fun to run to.

54) What did you want and get [in general]?
Love. Curiousity. Deeper, more meaningful relationships with the people I care about. Some mighty good laughs. A new sewing machine. A sense of financial comfort. A chance to work on things that were challenging me inside and to grow up.

55) What did you want and not get?
Peace and quiet (in my head). A pair of jeans that fit at the waist and the hip. Naturally curly hair.

56) What was your favorite film of this year?

I was in the mood for funny movies this year. It was so vulgar, but ‘Superbad’ just cracked me up.

57) On your birthday, how old were you?
29!

58) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I think having a job that I was passionate about (but not stressed out by) might have been nice. But it was a pretty satisfying year for me.

59) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Oh, definitely French Grande Dame hipster chic.

Heh. In actuality, I think my fashion ethos matured a little this year. I find I care a lot more about the quality and make of the fabrics I wear. I like something edgy, but classic. Lots of black, as always. Maybe rocking out with the jewelry a little more than I used to. And despite my valiant efforts to do so, I was unable to grow out my bangs. So, I have decided that long fringe will be my signature look.

60) What kept you sane?
My husband, my friends and family, running, cuddling with Charlie, wine.

61) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I avoid celebrity stuff now. It was a mid-year resolution. But Beth Ditto (of The Gossip) seems to have a good head on her shoulders and meaningful things to say.

62) What political issue stirred you the most?
The same ones that have stirred me for years: violence, sexism, cruelty to animals.

63) Who do you miss?
My Aunty Ann and Pooter.

64) Who was the best new person you met?
The best? Well, my co-worker Elizabeth is pretty rad. I also really enjoyed meeting Mike and Chantelle, our sailing buddies.

65) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
Worrying about something doesn’t change it, even one iota. Being active is a wonderful thing. Make sure you tell people when they do something you appreciate - it’s such a small act, but it really spreads happiness around. Always try something new if you get the chance, laugh, have fun, take risks, eat carbs, give hugs - life is way too short to not have a croissant.

Please classify this one under: Unexpected.

As some of you might know, my brother and I are training for a half-marathon together. Part of that involves getting our mileage up before we start the hard-core clinic in January. Hence why we were out running in the freezing rain and dark tonight.

We brought the dogs because not only are we apparently the kind of freaks who like to run in the rain - we also seem to enjoy being dragged by one arm while we run. It’s awesome for building your obliques, let me tell you. At least on one side.

In any case, we were running at top speed tonight - none of this jogging business. Mostly because of the aforementioned freezing rain, and my desire to get home and put on warm, dry clothes. Also, dare I say it? We’re finally getting a bit faster. So, picture if you will, two people racing down the street with two giant dogs, and then suddenly - just one person and two dogs.

That’s because the other one (me) is now lying face-first on the ground.

Yes! Tonight marks the first time I have ever fully bailed while running. I don’t know what was challenged here, other than my dignity, my bum knee, and my (now road-rashed hands). But damn, it was funny. Dave very kindly offered to hold the dogs while I limped to my feet and assessed the damage. I’m happy to report that if nothing else, four years of martial arts training has taught me to keep my chin up. I managed to not bash my face in before all the Christmas photos, although my cheekbone was about 1 cm off the ground by the time I finished skidding on my chest.

After shaking off the bruises, scrapes and road dirt, we finished our run (our family motto isn’t “March or Die” for nothing! Long story) and got home to the cozy warmness.

I hope, in future, to keep my major falls to a minimum while running. But if it had to happen (and it did) I’m glad it happened on a dark side-street in November and not on the final stretch of our half-marathon.

Added bonus: my now-bashed-in knee has provided the answer to the question “bare legs or tights at the Christmas party?”

I don’t know if anyone else finds the shower to be a good place for thinking, but I was pondering life and this blog while washing my hair this weekend - and it occurred to me that since I’ve started this success project, it’s evolved in really some neat ways (it also occurred to me that I love my new coconut-scented shampoo). However, the one thing I’m finding a bit tedious is the work involved in planning most of the challenges.

But wait! Why make work for myself? Why not write about the small, funny challenges that just pop up in regular life? Those ones are rarely transcendental or life-changing, but I’m willing to bet at least 50% of them are funny. And I do like a good funny tale. The other 50% are totally unplanned (hence the challenge in dealing with them). I expect that occasionally new and funny things will overlap in my life - and then I will put them out on the interwebs for your amusement.

These coconutty thoughts were also inspired by the adventures of Jen Mac over at In the New.  I’ve had a link to Jen’s blog on my sidebar for awhile - if you haven’t had the chance to check it out, I highly recommend it! My cousin Tony thought I’d be into her project, and I totally am.

The long and short of it is that Jen is doing something new every day, for a year, before she turns 30. Her tales are funny and quirky - and they got me thinking the other day that I do new things all the time, and don’t even register them on my radar. So I’m going to do something about that!

I don’t know that I’m as committed or well-organized as Jen seems to be, so it’s highly unlikely that I’ll write about something new every day - but my blog needs a bit of a kick in the pants, and I think bite-sized challenges might be fun!

So, in the spirit of hilarity and new adventures, I bring you the 3rd category of SuccessMaybe - Mini-Challenge.

Hope you enjoy…

in·er·tia (ĭ-nûr’shə) n.: Resistance or disinclination to motion, action, or change.

That pretty much sums it up.

Between getting sick, feeling lazy and hosting at least 3 well-attended pity parties for myself this month - it’s been slow-going.

There are few things I hate more in life than feeling like I’m spinning my wheels. I really thrive on forward motion, accomplishment and being busy. Generally speaking, the more I have going on, the happier I am. In fact, not so long ago, I realized that one of the first indicators of depression for me is boredom. When there’s nothing to be excited about, I tend to slump in a big way.  And then - November. I tried to outsmart it by planning lots of fun activities, but November was having none of that.  I’ve spent most of this month so far, reflecting on what the hell exactly it is that I should be doing with my life.

I hate that.

Sometimes, doesn’t a girl just want to curl up with a copy of Oprah magazine, and a glass of wine, and just FORGET about the fact she doesn’t know what she’s meant to be doing for a career?! The answer is yes. But I think I’ve been doing that since June, and I suspect that Oprah, merlot and November have all conspired against me to bring me to the point I’m at today. I guess I can’t blame them. The endless pity parties weren’t really getting me any closer to my goal of Figuring it All Out. Neither were the hangovers.

So, here I am. I’ve made some in-roads and wiped some of the steam off my figurative life mirror. Little ephiphanies lately have helped me to realize that I need more. I wasn’t sure before, but now I am. When I started my current job in the spring, it was sort of an experiment. I was burnt out after a couple years of social work. I thought I would try the total opposite sort of situation, which was working in a very unemotional environment, doing fairly simple work. I wondered if that might be what I’d been looking for - just a Job. No strings attached, no real scary responsibilities…just working away.

Turns out, no. That was not it.

I’ve realized lately that if I have to spend 8 hours a day somewhere, I’m going to - at the very least - need to feel like I am contributing something. I don’t have to be trying to save the world, single-handedly - but I do need a greater sense of fulfillment than I am currently experiencing.

So, this sounds like a small step, but in fact it is a big one! I think the greatest trap I’ve fallen into throughout my working life is just taking what comes along. I’ve never really invested much thought into what would really make me happy. That’s maybe a common pitfall experienced when you graduate with an Arts degree - I was always just pretty happy to be working, and didn’t get too picky about the details.

But that mindset got me to where I am today, and since it’s not really doing the trick, I’m making myself take a long, hard look at my options. Most of them are scary. Going back to school after 7 or 8 years seems scary. Not making any money for awhile is also pretty scary. But I was talking to my mum last night, and she gave me some very sage advice in that “sometimes you have to take a step back, before you can move ahead.”  And I guess that’s true. I’m not getting any closer to my dream life by working as an office administrator. My dream life does not involve that many files. 

So the next big challenge, as I see it, is to figure out exactly what those next steps are going to look like. The only thing I am certain of right now is that I’m not going to go back to school on a whim. I’m going to do my research, take my time and make a decision that will propel me forward. So now I’m re-excited! Because I have a plan. And finally, I can get off the sofa, smack November out of my way, and get moving.

That’s a nice way to start a Sunday.